Praise Him in the Storm

Praise in times of trial!

Ever feel like you are in a sinking boat, striving to survive in this thing we call life? I think many people feel this way. We walk through life and all the trenches it bears for us and we lose focus and find ourselves sinking. I have felt this way many times and even today feel this way. So what do we do about it?
 That is the question isn't it?

At this time last year my husband fell very ill for 2 1/2 months and man it was a tough time. I remember counting the days and the weeks when it first happened. I was so worried and paranoid. It is such a hard thing to watch the person you love and the person that is always strong for you be weak and not even be able to function normally. I mean literally my husband needed my help to get to the bathroom, and do simple things we take granted for everyday, he had a hard time talking and would slur his words. A lot of people thought maybe he had a stroke or other types of dangerous things. It was not exactly what I needed to hear at the moment. I mean it was so scary to watch this happen to my husband, there were times that I thought I might lose him. My mind took me to so many places, I just didn't feel that I could totally grasp God's hand at this time. I know that was not the truth, in fact, God was holding me and my little family in His hands as we went through this. Even as Christians it is sometimes too cloudy and difficult to see that God always is there. We get so tied up in our own mind and our thoughts seem to take over and there is no room for any other reasonable thoughts.  But, as the time draws out we start going to God more and feeling him more, and for me it's because I am at the end of my strength and realize that I have a God that will give me all the strength I need. But it is funny how we never learn the lesson. Each time we go through trials we do the same thing, we cloud our mind and hearts with our own thoughts and worries instead of relying and truly giving it to God. I have watched many of my friends do this and even I, myself do this.
Like right now, I am going through a struggle where it is affecting me in all aspects, emotionally, physically etc..I mean it literally takes over unannounced, and it is SO hard to truly just give it to God and I think to myself that I need to "fix" this, when all actuality I need to look to God for the fix. He is always there wanting to help, He is just waiting for us to ask.
I have had many conversations on many different occasions where the person I am talking to says, "I just don't feel God here right now", or "I don't know why God would let me go through this". Truth is I have said this too, many times. I remember reading recently in a devotion that sometimes God let's us go through things so to draw us near to him or to get our attention. I know I need that sometimes, because I fill my day up with multiple projects that I really don't have time to let God show me what he wants to work in me. So to get my attention he lets me feel things and go through these trials, and I always feel like I am drowning, but without the water. And all I need to do is keep my eyes and mind and heart focused on him.
 It's kind of scary to go through things like this, but in the end God is always there protecting us. But are we willing to let him? And are we willing to give praises during our time of trial?

INVISIBLE

Do you ever feel invisible?
Like noone sees you, noone sees your potential. Noone believes you can do something that you know you can do? I've heard of a few people say they feel this way. I know kids that feel this way in their class, they are the invisible kid that can't seem to make friends. It seems to happen at all ages of life. And I feel like women feel it more than men. I hear all the time how women try to talk to their husbands but they don't hear them, they all say I have to be right in front of him for him to listen! Wow! and their kids just sit there at the table and eat no thanks mom or convo just eat and run. Or we go to church and noone sits with us, or really talks to us. I have found out lately if you're in ministry, noone talks to you! Kind of funny I have talked to a few other people in ministry and it seems to be true. Like say you're in worship and on stage in front, at the end of service, when you are cleaning up the stage and stuff noone stops by to say hi and asks how you're doing, i recently visited a different church and it happened there too. Even though you're right up front... You're invisible. Or is it people are just too busy to see you, to truly see you and talk to you, or are they just too into their lives and their selves and cant give to anyone else. It makes me wonder...
I mean I feel invisible alot even amongst groups of people who are my friends. I know lots of people do.
But really.... who cares! right? I mean really of course yeah you want to be seen , but aren't you? I am.
I am seen by God he sees what my potential, he knows what I CAN do and he will help me. and when I am at church serving in ministry who care who sees me because really the one I want to see is the one I will never be invisible to!

 Ok so tell me if you know the names of people who wrote these quotes...

"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow."

"One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure its worth watching."

"A friend walks in when everyone else walks out"

"Life's problems wouldn't be called "hurdles" if there wasn't a way to get over them."

"A good leader inspires others with confidence in him; a great leader inspires them with confidence in themselves."

I bet you can't tell me who any of these quotes author is,  but we've all heard them at least once... You know why I know you don't know who they are... because these are quotes by unknown authors.. Invisible!
But just because they were unknown and not credited for their work doesn't mean noone has ever benefited from those words, or heard them or quoted them.
Same for you! Whatever you do, do it wholeheartedly and do it for God, and who cares who sees, or who praises you because you know what... in my book it only matters that one person sees, and He promises me everyday that He does!

For I know the plans i have for you!

For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Jeremiah. 29:11

This verse keeps being brought to my attention for the last week. i am thinking God is trying to tell me something! I mean I know that God knows the plans that he has for me and I know they are good plans, I just still get so caught up in the everything else.
I have struggled with this i feel like my entire life. See when i was 2 my parents got a divorce, and my mother didn't want me and my dad did so off I went to my dads I was 2 so I didn't think anything of the fact that my mother never wanted me. I found this out later in life, like when I was 7 and waiting for her to come pick me up so i could spend a weekend with her, but she would ever show. or that she never ever called me on my birthday let alone sent a card. i was the invisible child. when I was 3 my dad married my step-mom who loved me and raised me as her own, but she was strict and she had harsh words like"you'll never amount to anything" "you're fat, you better watch out or you'll be huge" etc... etc... as a child and young teenager i had a feeling of being not wanted. A failure.
 But the Lord knows the plans he has for me!
So I get married and life is good despite your normal getting to know each other stuff and normal marriage stuff.  Then we try to get pregnant! Dun Dun Dun....
We tried for over a year and then began fertility testing and stuff and it comes to find out that my husband  has 0 sperm motility. This came as a huge hit to us, we spiraled into a depression so unexplainable and noone knew what we were going through, and noone ever will. Unless you have gone through it. I felt unloved by my God.
So we get this news and noone knows how to be our friends and so we just kind of graze through our life trying to remember "For I know the Plans i have for you!" And also Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose!
This was so hard to hold onto during those years when we were surrounded by so many people getting pregnant and having babies. I mean literally every month for a year someone new was pregnant. In fact one of my friends had 2 in the years we didn't. My question God do you love me do you hear me ? But we kept looking to God knowing he had a plan for He wanted to bless us. and after 4 years of trying we adopted our son Tyler. God had provided and had given us a child. It was a total God thing, The girl didn't know us and knew my father and called him up and asked if we wanted to adopt her baby she was pregnant with, Total God. And you know what our son looks just like us! He put our baby in someone else.
Now fast forward a few years our son is almost 3 and we are thinking hey we really want another child, but this time we are like ok we really want to be pregnant and so we start praying and trying again and for one whole year nothing,  and we start getting discouraged. And everyone around us is pregnant! I counted the other day and we know 14 people pregnant right now, So I keep asking God to tell me why this is happening and I am begging him to take this desire of being pregnant to go away and he is not taking it. You know that song Need you now by plumb, that is my life's song right now thanks to my best friend sharing it with me LOL here is the song,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ylnx0NA9X4

That is how I have been feeling for the past month and then God keeps putting these two verses in my head Jer. 29:11 and Romans 8:28 and they spoke about them at my retreat this weekend and then I keep seeing them on Facebook or in a store etc.... So I think God is trying to talk to me, i am trying to put my mind aside so I can listen, and it is so hard seeing everybody around being able to have the one thing thing you can't. I am so super happy for them all but I am breaking inside every time I have to see them, or hear them talk about their pregnancies.  But I am surrendering this to God and giving it to him, I pray that if it is not meant to be he would put me out of my misery and just take this away.
I know God can do amazing things and that someday I will be able to show God's glory through it. I pray that.

God is never ceasing!!

As much as I know this and as much as I believe this, it still amazes me how amazing our God is! I mean really, He never ceases to amaze me. Even when I dont believe or doubt something he makes it happen. How awesome is he. How can people sit there and say there is no God, I dont get it.

So today my very best friend came over to work (I own a daycare and she is my assistant) and she says that she wants to take a pregnancy test even though she doesnt think she is cause of infertility issues and such, but that she was nauseous this morning and having pains in her uterus... So I went and bought a pregnancy test for her well 3 actually! And she is pregnant!
Her and her husband started trying about 11 months ago and havent had any success they even got tests done to see if anything is wrong and comes to find out that he doesn't have good motility (the same as my husband, but not as bad) and that insemination is thier only option! Well ladies and gentlemen God is like no I am the Doctor and I am going to prove it!! After being told all this horrible stuff and how she probably doesn't ovulate and so on God took all that and blessed them! I am over the moon excited for them.
It just reminds me how wonderful our God is. When you have faith and you ask and you totally surrender it to God amazing miraculous things can happen!  How can one say that a God does not exist when he does things like this. And has for thousands of years. I mean take Hannah for example she prayed and prayed and prayed for a baby and many years went by and she stayed faithful and God blessed her with a child!
I know this may never happen to me, but it makes me have even more faith that God can overcome anything! All you have to do is put your trust and faith in him!
How amazing that such a tiny thing (a baby) can show God's glory so much more than any adult!

Fear of ..........

Fear, It is such a prominent word in the English language. We all fear so much, and its hard not too right?


 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand Isaiah 41:10

 This is such a powerful verse. It tells us to not fear, not worry for God will give us strength and help. That is such a hard concept to understand. We are to not fear? But its human nature to fear. We fear over everything.... getting a job, making enough money to survive, that our kids are safe, that someone might find out who we really are, that we won't ever find a mate, that we won't ever have a baby, that we are not doing what God wants us to, that we wont make it to see our grandchildren, that we are going to lose a loved one, that our marriage will fail,that we wont reach our weight goal, that people don't like us, we fear the unknown.... we fear almost everything.

But God says Do not fear...I am in control, I will get you through I will give you strength. Wow what an awesome father that he would be there and strengthen us even when we feel we cant go any further. Satan likes to whisper things into our ears which cause us to fear. I have a hard time with fear, I constantly fear that people don't care what i have to say, that my story is nothing special, that people will reject me. Its so hard to get past all that because it is my nature to think that way and the enemy just plays on it.
 Because truth is I have a story God wants me to share and it is going to touch so many women or even just one, But the enemy knows if he puts all this fear in me I won't share the story and God wont' get the glory and that's what the enemy wants.
So what's a girl to do when she has the enemy holding her back... she prays and asks God to give her the strength, because in our heart we know what we need to do and we feel it but in our head there is so many negative things holding us back. And Only GOD can help us clear up our mind, because when we are truly ourselves and when we have the confidence that God gives us, He can move through us to others and use our stories to touch other women and God's love and glory can be shown through us and through the words He gives us. Because all the stories I have to tell are God's stories. They are stories in which God's glory and love can be shown. And although I have some areas that are not finished yet His glory still shows and I pray that I never lose sight of that.

Because my goal and what I feel my purpose is , is to share my stories and show God's love through all of them. So that others can see how truly Great my God is!

A gift of infertility

So last night in my moms group we went over a section of "What not to say" I think that it was so informative for people to know what not to say to people, who have survived cancer, had a miscarriage, are trying to get pregnant, have lost a loved one, and someone going through or went through infertility.

There was so many great things we learned from each one.
I got to write a few about what not to say to someone who is dealing with infertility.
This one was hard to write cause a lot of these women are my friends and I didn't want to come across rude or put them down if they had ever told me any of them. It was really hard for me to back down memory lane and remember all the sayings that irked me really a lot.
Thinking of these things and sharing them made me feel so vulnerable, but I was glad I did because I think these women might be a little more careful about what they say to someone going through this.
 A few of my top sayings that irked me like no others are ....

"You don't want to be pregnant" I have heard this numerous times and I know you are just trying to make me feel better like ,this chocolate cake is gross to someone dieting, I am like yes I do!! Dont tell me what I want and don't want! Just saying
"Just relax" This one is one that really frustrates me because you know what most people that are trying to get pregnant are not stressed about it. You are excited about the possibility of making a baby. Yes after a while it can be stressful because it becomes a chore but its not something you are getting sick over, sad maybe but not sick.
"You're thinking about too much" Well yeah duh, its the focus of my life right now, I'm sure when you tried to get pregnant and did 3 times you thought about it a lot. Because its exciting and special.
"I was afraid to tell you I was pregnant cause I thought you would be mad" Honey I won't ever be mad at anyone for getting pregnant, that's like saying you don't deserve a blessing in your life, I am excited about any possible new life. Yes it will make me sad about myself later, But that you will never see!
" I am so fertile all my husband has to do is look at me and I'm pregnant"  REALLY? Now why would you say that to someone that you know can't get pregnant? Unless you wanted to hurt them.I mean really, all that made me want to do is punch you in the face.(and i'm not a violent person)

Anyways those a few of my top ones that I have heard and don't truly love if you know what I mean?

It has been 7 1/2 years since my husband and I have started trying to get pregnant and every month is still a disappointment. Even after getting blessed with adopting my son 3 1/2 years ago, i still have a longing to feel a life grow inside of me. I can't tell you why, because honestly I thought that would go away once I had my baby. And I Love my son with my whole heart and I would never change that for the whole world, I would not go back and change things and the hurt of infertility if it meant not having him. But I am human and I am selfish and for some reason, even ,though I have asked, God has not taken away my desire to carry a child.
And I so want to see my son be a big brother, he would be such a great big brother! It would be so awesome to have the best of both world's #1 to truly experience what its like to love and care for someone you didn't carry! "Adoption, is such a beautiful thing and how you bond with your child so naturally is amazing.  And Have him look like us and act like us totally God!
 and #2 to have that connection with a child from within you. and to experience the beauty in that. i pray someday I am able to experience the #2
This is going to sound weird but the fact that I went through all that I did to get a child and the way Tyler's adoption happened was such a beautiful gift from God. Perfect gift, even though I struggled with my faith so many times in the 4 years of trying before Tyler, it actually strengthened my faith. I am definitely not the same person now that I was then. God did have perfect timing even though I didn't think so at the time, in my faith at that time I wasn't ready for such a big gift because I probably wouldn't have thought of it that way. You know you try you get pregnant and yay you go on with your life and yes you think of it as a blessing, a gift from God but having to wait and go through all the pain and lose friends because you pushed them away because they didn't understand.. or ... you didn't think they would understand because well you thought everything always was perfect for them. Going through all that made me realize what a GIFT I was getting. because God finally said YES!
I know all of you out there that getting pregnant comes easy to, I know you all think of your child as a gift Im not saying you don;t, I am just saying that I think the way I view my gift is different then if I had gotten it right away.
I am truly blessed that God gave me my son as my gift and I can't wait to see how my next child shows up!
God is mysterious like that!